parenting – From Ordinary to Narrative

I have honed over many years of little sleep a loyal and steadfast love of coffee. An otherwise exhausting day rejuvenates my inexhaustible appetite for caffeine. I have the ability to drink coffee, hot or cold, sloshing down my arm and staining my shirt. I can drink it black, with milk and once upon a time when I was a novice I thoroughly enjoyed a Timmy’s double double. Sigh. In those inexperienced days when I thought I had the vaguest notion of being tired I gobbled down the cream and sugar with the splash of coffee and thought I was a coffee drinker. Wrong. I was drinking coffee with training wheels. It may have been the tired puffy eyes and poor manual dexterity in the early hours that caused me to stop putting cream and sugar in my coffee, but I suspect it has more to do with the fact that in the morning I could mainline caffeine and I’d still be impatient.

I drink more coffee than I should. How many cups? I know, I know, Timmy’s cups aren’t actually the size of a measured cup but it is called a cup so I am leaving it as the measure. No one has offered to swing by and buy me a bucket, barrel or cask from Timmy’s so I rest my case. If you want to debate this let’s sit down and discuss. If you look thirsty I would be a poor host if I didn’t make you a vat, er, cup of coffee to quench your thirst. And mine.

I must admit I can’t actually say how much coffee I drink. And it’s not because the number is embarrassingly high. Well, not only that. It’s because I make many many cups but due to the fact that with children I very rarely sit or in fact, remember where I put my cup. It seems like it wanders away and when I find it, it’s cold and usually a hair is floating in it. So that can’t count – drinking the hairy cold coffee, right? In days of yesteryear when we visited people – I’ll tell you all about it over a cup someday – I would visit my in-laws and they would always offer me a cup of coffee. Not just any coffee, but a Nespresso. I’d gladly accept. I know you are shocked. Hope you were sitting down. And then because I was again chasing those pesky children I would often seemingly abandon by cup. My father-in-law being the dedicated host he is would then chase after me with cup in hand afraid I would miss out on my drink. Where children went, I followed and closely after that my Nespresso. I assured him my coffee drinking would not be hampered by distance or temperature. I would find my way back. It calls to me.

There is a lot of talk about blends, beans, and origins of coffee. I am no snob. Nor am I a barista. I get nervous thinking of ordering at Starbucks. I can’t grind. That felt like the article took a turn. Coffee I mean. I can’t grind coffee. I don’t have the patience to wait for it to percolate. I want instant coffee. I want Coffee. I am bestowing a capital upon it. It’s been grammar knighted. And yes, it’s a thing. It’s especially a thing after a few vats have hit the bloodstream.

Choosing a life partner, or not, is one of the most important life decisions one can make. Choosing a life partner, or not, to ride out a pandemic raises the bar considerably. As one might have done in more carefree times, let’s peruse the qualities of a potential pandemic mate. Disclaimer: household under scrutiny is a loud house with four lively children with a penchant for noise, clutter, laughter, arguments and an impressive ability to listen to Dolly Parton’s “There was Jesus” on repeat. This may not be your house.

Foraging skills – Zipping out to the local grocery store requires a plan that puts most major battles to shame. No one throws on a coat and toddles off to buy a litre of milk or a bag of nutmeg, whistling as they go. A viable pandemic mate is a planner, procurer, and just this side of hoarder. Donning PPE, a long list, and the scouting ability of a bird of prey, a mate keeps elbows up and all senses alert to threats. This is a mate who can bring home the bacon. Tofu. Lactose free milk. And lots of it in a time when supplies may be limited. This is a mate who appears triumphantly at the door depositing bags and bags of offerings from the outside world. Metaphorically beating chest and wearing the pelts of wild animals your mate keeps you and yours alive and well. This is now grocery day. And your mate has never looked better.

Transferable skills such as dance – Strobe lights, crowded dance floor and a horned rimmed hipster pair of beer goggles can’t blur the talents in this area. Can mate groove in the early mornings or the middle of a sentence to the likes of the Highwaymen or Dolly Parton on repeat? When chosen music has been belted out since 7:30 am amidst chaos can mate still tap a toe or dare I say wiggle what their mama (or dada) gave them just to bring a smile to the faces of children missing much of the outside world? This takes more courage and rhythm than three sheets to the wind lurching about the sweaty dance floor.

Caffeine appreciation – This is key. If your partner does not drink coffee, first, weird, but moving on, second, can your partner appreciate and value your desires? In the caffeine area I am referring. Yeah, yeah, does he or she look good in a pair of jeans. Sure, that’s all well and good but will he or she refill the coffee maker, ask non-judgmentally if you would like your 13th coffee, and applaud your efforts to wait until the coffee has actually poured before trying to drink it? That’s sexy.

Work – The ability of a home especially one with children to switch to a workplace and a school is tested in a pandemic. Children unbothered by social conventions of work and rather disparaging to others who are can be uncooperative. Children appear oblivious that it appears unprofessional for their parents’ coworkers to hear the latest adventures and disagreements of the calico critters or to hear someone yell the word diarrhea repeatedly in various voices followed by raucous laughter. Children are unabashedly living their life during meetings, proposals, assessments and they don’t mind one bit if no one else can hear a thing during a meeting. This is not a question of your partner allowing such a level of noise, but does your partner possess both the trust and ingenuity to hide in the downstairs bathroom with the phone and carry on as if he or she is not standing in the bathroom hoping the children don’t seek he or she out to carry on this discussion of bodily functions and perceived wrongs? Does your partner trust enough that he or she knows you will come and rescue him or her as soon as it becomes known that what sounds vaguely like a professional call is echoing through the heating ducts from the basement? If your partner is clever and trusting enough, they will shine at working from home. How hunky do they look now? Cowering in the bathroom with fear in their eyes. Able and flexible, dare I say supple? It’s a small bathroom.

Care for the vulnerable and their protectors – Can mate understand that a really good deal on a cruise last March was not a good idea for you and the countless others depending on strangers for solid moral choices? Will your mate express empathy for those vulnerable and also appropriate outrage at those not protecting the vulnerable? This critical time tests one’s moral compass. Makes the weak frighteningly apparent and the strong so very strong. Taking action in an urgent situation is important. Be strong. Keep being strong. More strength needed. Stamina facing an invisible but no less real threat requires a trait we have often not had to rely on. Surely, this is attractive to most.

Like our politicians, the traits that before passed as capable and even engaging, in a pandemic shift quickly to incompetent, lacking and weak. The compatibility of a mate is no longer one that will be relieved when one of you leaves for a getaway weekend in a tropical locale. It cannot be confused by the barbecues with friends and beer. It can’t be blurred by fancy meals at restaurants and plays downtown. This is a person who you are looking at day in and day out. This is a person your life will depend on. The quality certainly, but you also need to trust this person will behave in a way that promotes the safety and well-being of you and yours. Your choice is right there sitting across from you with all the stresses of a surreal world surrounding just you two. This is real.

While a pandemic does isolate by necessity, it also helps one focus on relationships in a most powerful way. Friendships may be lost but they may also be strengthened. The frivolity of some relationships will be revealed while the steadfastness of others may be discovered. Rejoice in the quality. A deeper, more profound relationship blossoms. It also means you don’t have to build as big a bunker for the apocalypse. It’s a win win.